[	mood	|	irritated	]
[	music	|	Esthero - Nearly Civilized	]

USE PROTECTION!

Spreading the message of safe emailing

I would like to inform the masses that chain letters that appear to produce easy gain with only the minimal effort of passing it on are undoubtably a hoax. For some reason, many people, even with an I.Q. above 85, have not seemed to figure this out yet. So unless you're sending these out, actually, to load trojan software onto the computers of friends and/or acquaintances, fools opening email, to turn marked computers into zombies for your genius cyber-master to control (think brides of Dracula), there will be no gain in it for you. Sorry. Oh, and be wary of the ones that try to use scare tactics, that impending doom will soon follow if you ignore them, to manipulate you into passing it along.

If you do happen to become the victim of a chain letter and just CAN'T resist passing it onto a friend or loved one due to the appeal of the material, show your affection for the recipient by learning just how easy the copy and paste functions are. I know, I know, it's time consuming, ruins the mood, but if you aren't going to abstain then show your loved one['s computer] that you truly care about their health.

Thank you.

I have been cheating on my live journal with a real journal. I wrote something in it that had such an effect on one of my friends that I have to share it with the masses.

----I have been thinking about love again. Not my love life just love in general and the concepts of it. I have a friend who is seemingly miserable because she has yet to find another that she can call mate. At the opposing end I have a co-worker who has a wife and three children. He functions like a robot, the mechanisms inside him are only used with one function: the satisfaction of everyone else. Of course, most types of machinery have a few types of self-preserving mechanisms. Things would break down so much swifter were there not such safeguards.

Such duality between these two. Can anyone ever be happy? I want to find the compromise between these two concepts. This man epitomizes all of my fears on his end of relativity. That true love, my concept of true love can be compared to the incomprehensibility of the infinite universe. A myth-like concept that must exist but without tangible realities. My concept of true love and infinity are starting to both belong in the same category of comprehension.

For Love though, obviously without proof or comprehension all that is left is a certain principle of love: No faith, no love.

To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hopes that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.                  -Erich Fromm

Unfortunately faith seems foolish when this comparison comes into play.

Sacred Treasure

That when you meet someone it is as if they are giving you a treasure map. Faith, desire and excitement combine into one beautifully tormenting emotion; Passion. So it is passion that stands thee accused of love's catalyst. Passion that is immediately created once someone starts that endeavor, the journey of another's map. Faith playing the part to pivot you towards the X, the promised treasure. Desire plays the part in the middle. Desire for the X, to reach it and obtain it. Excitement plays the most important part. What? You think that I am going to refer excitement to the X as well? Not at all. Excitement is constantly obtained while on the journey. Were there no excitement the journey would  seem like an obligation rather than something worthwhile.

A Fact: There can never be any satisfaction with desire because all that can ever be obtained is another starting point for further desires. Like each dot on the path towards the X.

This fact is what puts excitement in such an important position. It is the one of the three parts of Passion that has the greatest potential for growth. What about faith you ask? Ah yes, that is the tragedy of it all. Once reaching the X, the 'goal', the purpose of the journey, most people do not see any treasure that would be of any desire. So the assumption of buried treasure is made.

Dig. Dig a little more. Still can't find it? Um, hmm? Just keep digging right? It's bound to be there if you just keep digging. Yeah, that's right, just keep digging with that faith of yours.

The journey was not for the X. Not the one that is marked. The answer to this enigma is this: The X should be the map; The map is the X all along. The proof? Unrequited love never dies. It is a map without an X. The journey can cease or it can continue infinitely. [ Wrong map though. The pain involved should be the obvious sign that you have the wrong map. This is sometimes hard to admit and that is when you should consider that desire + excitement + pain = masochistic characteristics. For those of you in question there is a map for you too so you should consider returning the map that you have stolen.]

All of this that has been written might seem like an agenda against marriage and/or family life. [I would like to conceit myself that the following lines are profound inexperienced wisdom] It should definitely be noted that any bond between two people with marriage as the goal, the 2.5 kids as a goal, the white picket fence (complete with roses that match the front door) as a goal, or afore mentioned  X, is the most self-destructive mindset to possibly have. This creates a stopping point. An end. It limits something that before was limitless.

Begin digging.

The X ends the journey which discontinues any excitement. Excitement is still the KEY component of Passion and if excitment cannot be obtained then Passion WILL burn out. 

Are you still journeying or are you digging? Upon the admission of digging and upon the declaration that the goal is the journey, one has obligated their mate to create another map for the journey to commence. Not an impossibility but inappropriate to request. In these rare cases the two somehow manage to dig towards each other. Quite lovely really.

Are you still journeying or are you digging? Be honest with yourself. Look up from that hole you are in. Climb out, nothing is stopping you. It has probably been awhile since you have been able to feel your arms but rest assured, they still work.

I find this comforting that I now have an insight for that compromising position relative to the two most common tragic conditions of love. Perhaps now I know what to say when my moment will arrive:

"Come with me. Take my hand and journey at my side to destination unknown and if we must place an X on each other we will journey toward each other's soul, in which lies infinity"----------------------

The friend that I mentioned that read my journal was in fact the robot co-worker. He said that it was a slap in the face. That I had just described his life. My journal reflected him and I highly suspect that he did not like what he saw in his reflection. He left his wife a week later. I feel flattered that something that I wrote had such a strong reaction from someone but I really wish that it could have been some other reaction. Who am I kidding, my other common name is Ms. Fortune. I prove it once more. Was I a misfortune in the end or was I Ms. Fortune? 

I went to a funeral and a baby shower all in the same week following Easter.
Ideal. Impressive. Beautiful?
Yes, yes, of course. I have to say this when I am reminded so overtly about what the perspective of life should be.

The hani-mi was pushed back a bit but I suppose if I have it in April it will still be legitimate.

I have been told before that people do not dream in color or that it is not that often. Last night I know that I did. I dreamt that I was playing with a box of crayola crayons and that I had found the most beautiful color I have ever seen. I couldn't wait to color with it to see what the color would look like on paper but I couldn't find any type of paper anywhere. So I just held on to the crayon throughout the dream thinking that maybe I might finally be able to use it and see how beautiful I knew it would be. 

Ah, the symbolism in that.

The cherry blossom tree is Japan's most beloved plant and most celebrated flower. It is the official national flower of Japan and the blooming of cherry blossoms signifies the arrival of spring. During the second week of April, the cherry blossom festival is held to celebrate the new season and people participate in "hana-mi" or flower viewing. Under the trees of whispy pink cherry blossom trees, Japanese people eat wonderful picnic lunches, drink sake, view the cherry blossom flowers and have a merry time.

So my friends and I have decided that we are jealous of the people in Japan and Washington who celebrate Sakura and have decided that we are going to do something about it.

On the second week of April we are going to find a nice spot for hani-mi, pack some crunchy rolls and sake, (I am thinking miso and plum wine as well) and have our own celebration.

The wind blows the leaves down the sidewalk, past the cookie-cutter houses with their repetitive design, a common trait of suburbia that seems to add to the apearance of calm. As the leaves tumble into a yard, well manicured to suit such a neighborhood, the blades of fresh-cut grass remain still and undisturbed. It is a perfect mimicry really, the way the blades conform to one another,as the houses do, creating such a calm appearance. It must be noticed then, the depth, that underneath that balmy green blanket there is a different reality. Frenzied insects crawl amongst a turmoil of vegatation and rough soil, life perpetually rages on and through. 
Just as complexity can simulate depth, depth can also hide under something that seems to lack complexity at all.

I went to the dentist and finished the root canal. More drugs. Bleh.

There are many emotions I wish to not experience. They do not suit me. They are not me. I understand now though, that I can abandon them through possessing them.  I need to take these emotions and make them mine. Dispair, anger or anything of the sort; I have never before claimed these emotions but I now know that when I claim them I own them.

And it is only the things that you own that you can disown.

Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me's is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed and tired one? Probably a bit that is both, hopefully much that is neither.          An Unquieted Mind' - Kay Redfield Jamison

I know that choosing my characteristics, logically, is just that, a choice. I am not the outcome of whatever childhood or upbringing because I can choose to change. Anyone can sit back and review this objectively and know this as truth. I do believe that people are defined by their experiences, yes, but the choice to create new experiences is always there. People who really understand this understand that no action creating experience is really needed at all. If you think that you cannot change then just simply, think again. This can go for pain as well and I think that most people have experienced this on some level. At some point in time most people have been in an uncomfortable situation that at first they might have resisted but eventually just resigned themselves to. After this yeilding the negative seems to become neutral. The discomfort went unnoticed. Like bad tasting medicine or an unwanted shot, the discomfort is always eased when you accept it beforehand. Resistence always seems to make it worse. What a great lessoned learned and we experience it in so many ways all the time. I just can't believe that many people haven't figured out to apply it in other aspects of their lives. This lesson is acknowledged and disregarded so many times. The freewill to choose is not just restricted to action, but many people can't completely understand this to utilize it. This brings me back to the beginning. I know I can simply choose what characteristics I want. The problem is the fact that I can hold such passion for two characteristics that  reside in  extreme polarity from one another. How can I have equal desire for two completely different things?